Doctor Who: The Wedding Of River Song ( review with spoilers )

"What happened to time?"

"... a woman... "

In an odd, Steampunk London in 2011, where commuters travel by air-balloon-assisted cars and pterodactyls flock over Hyde Park, Holy Roman Emperor Winston Churchill summons his soothsayer to explain why the time is permanently stuck at 5:02pm. The bearded, unkempt soothsayer is, of course, the Doctor.

It turns out that River Song threw a spanner in the works of Time by refusing to kill the Doctor at the appointed time at Lake Silencio. As this was supposedly a fixed point in time, its undoing causes Time itself to start disintegrating. But first, all of Time is happening at once and the Doctor has to deal with the Silence and Madam Kovarian, fix the relationship between the alternate timeline's Amy and Rory ( again! ), marry River, and ensure that he dies at the right time and place. Oh, and he has to wear an eye patch. Eye patches are cool. Phew! Keeping up with all this?

In a similar vein to A Good Man Goes To War this episode is almost overloaded with incident, characters, locations and revelations; it's a hallucinatory thrill ride through Steven Moffatt's labyrinthine imagination. Although it may not all hang together or provide all the long-awaited answers, it's certainly an action-packed, colourful and emotional trip into the ever-expanding Whoniverse.

There are so many great moments packed into this story: the budget-busting alternate London with Dickens being interviewed on BBC Breakfast and Roman charioteers waiting at traffic lights; Mark Gatiss anonymous under a ton of latex as psychopathic, chess-playing Viking, Gantok; the creepy sight of dozens of Silents, hanging like bats from the Imperial Senate's ceiling; the Doctor growing his hair long in an effort to outdo River ( that bit may only be in my head); the Area 52 pyramid; the poignant mention of the Brigadier - and not before time! - as the Doctor realises that Time runs out for everyone, eventually.

There are, of course, problems too. It seems that the audacious, season-long arc plot has left Steven Moffatt with too much to resolve in the last 45 minutes and there are still outstanding questions. Why did the Silence have their own, fake Tardis? What was Madam Kovarian's grudge against the Doctor? What really happened to River and Rory in those Silence-infested tunnels back in The Impossible Astronaut? Of course, Mr. M should be commended for the ambition of this season - it's certainly given the fans plenty to think about and debate - and that can only be a good thing.

And then, there's the controversy of the "Doctor"'s death. Having the real Doctor replaced by the ( Major Spoiler! ) Teselecta at Lake Silencio seems like a massive cop-out. It was cleverly done and quite funny to see a mini-Doc prancing around inside the lookalike justice droid, but emotionally it felt like a let-down. The sacrifice of the Ganger Doctor or the alternate world Doctor might have been more obvious a get-out clause, but it would have felt better to fans who have invested a lot into this plot. My learned colleague, Steve W, makes the well-argued point here that the "death" of the Teselecta is a cheat, after we have been told repeatedly that the Doctor's death is a fixed point in time which must happen. If The Universe or Time or History or whatever passes for a higher power in the secular Whoniverse had to ensure that the Doctor's death came about, then surely this deception would have fooled no-one but the onlookers at Lake Silencio? Perhaps this higher power was watching All-Star Family Fortunes instead?

For all that, I still enjoyed the episode for all its spectacle, the cracking performances of the leads and the final scenes' attempts to reintroduce a sense of mystery into the series and into the Doctor's own character. So, minus a point for the problems listed above, I'll give this last episode of the season:

4 out of 5 Bow Ties

And I'd just like to say that Karen Gillan can even make eye patches look sexy:

I wear an eye patch now...

... eye patches are cool.

Well, they're certainly this season's hottest accessory in the Doctor Who universe.

This week's Radio Times features interviews with Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill, all talking about their unsung heroes of the show. There's also a lovely interview with Sadie Miller, daughter of another of Doctor Who's most beloved actors, the late, lamented Elisabeth Sladen.

Here's a scan of that interview:

The last quote is the one that got me:

"You just have to let grief roll, take its own time. Mum and I were so close and all my memories of her are happy ones. That gives me a lot of peace."

Doctor Who: Closing Time ( mini review with spoilers )

"I'm the Doctor. I work in a shop now - here to help..."

Mini review. Comedy episode. Low budget. Save the pennies for season finale. The Doctor's visiting Craig ( you know... tubby guy from The Lodger ) and his new baby Alfie aka Stormageddon, Dark Lord Of All. Craig feels like a useless dad. We all get that now and then...

Department store. Very obviously not just Debenham's with a new sign put up. Cybermen in the changing-rooms, the Doctor working the toy department. Robot dogs and silver rats. More scenes in department store. And more. Doctor and Craig searching for alien spaceship. And plot.

Craig discovers his paternal mojo and kills rubbish Cybermen with love. ( No, not with a cyber-STD... )

Closing Time is ( worryingly ) another weak episode in the season that's already given us That Pirate Story. The once-mighty Cybermen are wasted yet again, the plot is virtually non-existent, and there are only blink-and-you'll-miss-'em appearances from Karen Gillan, Arthur Darvill and Daisy Haggard. The relationship between the Doctor and Craig is still funny and charming, but isn't enough to sustain another 45 minutes. Luckily, Matt Smith is on top form: just look at the way he says "...what?" when "silver rats" are mentioned. Priceless.

And then, right at the end, in a chilling scene between River, Eyepatch Lady and the Silence, we remember that this Doctor's story will end very soon. Or will it?

2 1/2 out of 5 Bow Ties.

Oh, and Craig? On the subject of not knowing when to change a baby's nappy, I'll just say "sniff test" :-)

Doctor Who: The God Complex ( review with spoilers )

"There's a room here for everyone, Doctor... even you."

This week the Tardis Trio find themselves checked into the hotel from hell, where your standard accommodation problems like dirty bed linen and poor plumbing are replaced by rooms filled with your deepest fears, a shifting labyrinth of landings and a horned beast thumping along the corridors. Fawlty Towers this ain't...

The Doctor and the Ponds find themselves among a disparate group of reluctant guests, like David Walliams' cowardly Gibbis and stuttering blogger Howie, all being forced to face their own, personal demons, before giving up their faith and their lives to the lord of the labyrinth. The nightmares in the hotel rooms all seem small-scale ( a sad clown, chattering ventriloquist dummies, angry PE teacher ) but they are all geared to pushing the guests over the edge. As the Minotaur claims more and more victims, the Doctor and Amy have to both face their own fears and come to a turning point in their relationship...

While not a classic, this episode is a lot of creepy fun from professional scarer, Toby Whithouse. The seedy, 1980s hotel is a wonderfully garish backdrop to the nightmares ( Weeping Angels, disappointed dads, brutish apes, Cloister Bells... ) and the Minotaur is a triumph of costume design and execution. The ruminations on fear and faith give this story a depth and poignancy when it could have been just a runaround; and there's a standout performance by Amara Karan as another doomed potential companion. David Walliams, however, is mostly wasted as mole-like, cowardly alien comic relief Gibbis and only really shines in one scene when being upbraided by the Doctor. Maybe he should stick to swimming through sewage :-)

The last scenes of the Doctor saying goodbye to Amy and Rory are quite touching... even though we all know they'll be back very soon.

I'm not on the horns of a dilemma about this one:

4 Out Of 5 Bow Ties

Finally, I'd just like to say how satisfying it is for old Fourth Doctor fans like myself to hear that this story's excellent monster is related to corny, pantomime villains, the Nimon - who lived in a Power ( not God ) Complex and were endearingly crap, back in the days of wobbly sets and even wobblier special effects.

Soundtrack: Sorrow, Diamond Dogs and Rebel Rebel by David Bowie

Doctor Who: The Girl Who Waited ( review with spoilers )

There's nothing more soul-destroying than waiting: waiting for a bus, waiting for exam results, waiting for a Doctor. Amy Pond has done her fair share of waiting already but, in this latest episode, she learns how terrible waiting can really be.

"This facility was built to give people the chance to live. I walked in here and I died."

The Tardis lands on the planet Apalapucia, voted second favourite destination for the discerning intergalactic traveller, and home to "sunsets, spires, soaring silver collonades".....

But of course it all goes wrong. The planet has been infected by the disease Chen7 - deadly to lifeforms with two hearts, like our favourite Time Lord. By the simple act of pressing a wrong button, Amy finds herself in a faster timestream to her companions, seemingly out of reach forever, in permanent quarantine, menaced by white-faced "Handbots" - medical droids whose "kindness" could kill her. The Doctor and Rory frantically try to find a way to catch up to Amy's timestream, the Doctor trapped in the Tardis, Rory living up to his promise to protect his wife.

Amy: "You didn't save me!"

Rory: "This is the saving! This is the us saving you! The Doctor just got the timing a bit out!"

The Amy that Rory finds in the Twostreams Facility is an Amy who has waited 36 years for her rescuers. She has become cold and cynical, a seasoned warrior woman in home-made armour. Rory has to decide: will he save this battle-hardened Amy, or save "his" Amy, meaning the older version will never have existed?

The Girl Who Waited is a terrific episode, a real standout in this second series of the 11th Doctor. The time travel concepts present the characters with tough moral choices and agonising decisions. All three regulars are fantastic: Matt Smith conveying so much sadness in his eyes alone, Arthur Darvill further discovering a strength and anger in the formerly-meek Rory, and Karen Gillan absolutely owning the episode as the two Amys. This story is as great a showcase for her acting range as Turn Left was for Catherine Tate's, and is one in the eye for all those fans still hung up on Billie Piper/Rose - Karen Gillan easily earns a place amongst her predecessors here, alternately tough and tender, wide-eyed and cynical.

And it's a beautifully filmed episode, too. From the stark white, sterile Twostreams facility, to the ornate alien gardens, to old Amy's ramshackle lair, the look of the episode is stylish, filmic, utterly convincing.

I won't let you wait any longer for my verdict :-)

5 out of 5 Bow Ties

Doctor Who: Night Terrors ( review with spoilers )

OK, I say "with spoilers" but, as this review is so ridiculously late, I'm guessing most people who want to see this episode have already done so. Night Terrors is one of the most old school Who episodes we've seen for a while, especially coming as it does straight after the brain-frazzingly bonkers Let's Kill Hitler. It tells a very simple story of a young boy who lives in a state of almost constant fear of his surroundings. He's scared of the shadows cast by his toys at night, by the rumbling sound of his tower-block's lift, the old lady shuffling past his window - just about everything. His parents are at their wits' end and are contemplating "calling someone in".....

They don't need to: young George has already called in the Doctor. Somehow, his repeated prayer of "Please save me from the monsters" has reached through time and space and alerted the one man who can help him. The Time Team promptly materialise on George's council estate and begin investigating. The Eleventh Doctor appears even more out of place in this landscape of tower-blocks and bin-bags than his two predecessors, who both spent a lot of time in such familiar surroundings. But don't worry: the story soon drags us back to Steven Moffatt's patented Who landscape of the dark fairy tale.

George has a "thing" that helps him deal with his fears: anything he's frightened of gets put in his cupboard. This cupboard soon turns out to be a Narnia-like portal to another world and its influence spreads throughout the tower-block. Amy and Rory, along with the old dear from next door and the cartoon-nasty landlord, find themselves deposited in a dark, spooky mansion, being chased by blank-faced giant dolls...

"You see these eyes? They're old eyes. And one thing I can tell you, Alex: monsters are real..."

Night Terrors has all the makings of a classic Doctor Who story, but doesn't quite make it. The scenes in the doll's house are suitably atmospheric and the peg dolls are sure to give sleepless nights to countless nippers across the land, but it seems to take an age to get there. The problem with the early scenes ( for me, anyway ) is the lack of a real threat. We see George's fear but have no idea if anything is really happening outside his imagination. Personally, I would have moved the scene of the old lady being pulled into the pile of bin-bags to the pre-credits sequence. This may be an obvious "hook" but at least it would establish that something concrete is happening. It also needs to be said that the father/son bonding story resolution, while quite touching, is getting a bit samey: we've already seen it twice this season. Like the very similar Fear Her perhaps this script needed another draft to give it that extra impact?

I don't want to be too negative about what is an enjoyable little story with some good, creepy images ( at times reminiscent of Jan Svankmayer's Alice ) and which definitely improves with repeated viewing. But I'm not too sure about Amy's new look...

Doctor Who: Let's Kill Hitler (review with spoilers)

Team Tardis are back after their Summer break and are instantly flung into one of the craziest Doctor Who episodes yet. Which is really saying something for the Mad Moffatt Era.....

Amy and Rory summon the Doctor ( in snazzy, new green coat ) back from his quest to find Melody Pond, by tearing up a corn-field and spelling out "Doctor" in a crop-circle stylee. They are going to be poular with local farmers. The Doctor, of course, reads about this in the next day's local paper and then pops back in time to meet up with the Ponds and their previously unmentioned, tearaway best mate, Mels. ( Incidentally, it's nice to see that Leadworth is far more racially inclusive than comparable Gloucestershire villages in the real world, although it still can't seem to produce any inhabitants with actual Gloucestershire accents. ) Mels, being chased by the police for stealing cars, forces the Time Trio at gunpoint to take her back to Berlin in 1938 to - seemingly on a whim - assassinate Hitler. And she puts a bullet in the Tardis console for good measure. Have we got the hint yet? She's a baaad girl.....

"Shut up, Hitler!"

The long-awaited appearance of der fuehrer is actually a red herring as Hitler is quickly taunted by the Doctor ( "...the British are coming" ), punched out by Rory and locked in a cupboard for the rest of the episode. It turns out the sudden crash-landing of the old blue box has inadvertently saved Adolf from the murderous intentions of the Teselecta, a Terminator-style, time-travelling robot, controlled by miniaturised people inside its head... and not anything to do with Bo' Selecta! or test cricket.....

As this borderline-insane story twists and turns like a twisty-turny thing, Amy and Rory find themselves miniaturised and trapped inside the Teselecta, being menaced by its lethal antibodies, Mels is shot by Hitler but regenerates into ( SPOILERS! ) Melody / River who, obeying her conditioning by Eyepatch Lady, promptly fatally poisons the Doctor with lethal lipstick ( good name for a band! ) and then goes on a shopping spree in 1938 Munich. But it's the kind of shopping expedition that involves shotguns and semi-naked Germans.....

Mad enough for you yet?

Amidst all this craziness, Moffatt gives us more information on River's past ( or future? ), deepens the mystery of the Silence and provides some unexpected cameos from hologrammatic versions of former companions. Matt Smith is a delight as ever, whether playing cat-and-mouse with a temporarily homicidal River, sprawling across the Tardis floor in his death-throes, or playing the long game by providing a certain someone with a Tardis-blue diary.....

At the end of this cheese-dream-with-extra-pickles of an episode we are somewhere closer to understanding River's timeline ( from Melody to Mels to big-haired archaeologist with no remaining regenerations ) but still asking questions about the Silence and the Doctor's imminent death ( again! ) and probably in need of an aspirin :-)

4 out of 5 Bow Ties

Doctor Who: A Good Man Goes To War ( review with spoilers )

"I wish I could tell you that you'll be loved. That you'll be safe and cared for and protected. But this isn't the time for lies....."

Poor Amy. The last time she was "pregnant" she was attacked by alien pensioners, watched her husband turn to dust, and was harassed by a smarmy figment of the Doctor's id. And then it all turned out to be a dream of the "psychic pollen" variety. Don't you just hate those?

This time Amy's "real" life was the dream. While a Ganger/flesh avatar was taking her place on board the Tardis, Amy was actually in the clutches of midwife-from-hell Eyepatch Woman, imprisoned on Demon's Run, an asteroid guarded by more of Steven Moffatt's soldier-clerics.

Now a terrified Amy has given birth to her daughter, Melody, knowing that the two of them are just pawns in a cosmic game of cat-and-mouse. Amy's holding out for a hero.....

Rory Williams, the Last Centurion, is on his way to save his new family, facing down Cybermen with a snarl of

"Where. Is. My. Wife?!"

Meanwhile, the Doctor, somewhere in the background, is quietly raising an army to fight the Battle Of Demon's Run.....

This mid-season finale certainly packs a lot into its 50 minutes: a crime-fighting Victorian Silurian and her maid, the Headless Monks, the ( semi-ironic ) return of The Gay Agenda, a Sontaran doing penance as a battlefield nurse, armies of Judoon and Silurians, the Doctor's cot (!) and the revelation of River Song's true identity.

Amongst all this we are again asked to ponder the consequences of the Doctor's actions. Has he ( as in The Waters Of Mars ) gone too far this time? His almost casual tricking and defeat of whole armies is seen as further inspiring his enemies to create even more armies and traps to defeat him. And the effect of the ongoing Doctor Myth is shown to not necessarily be a good thing as, yet again, a human whose life has been touched by the Doc ( newly-introduced character Lorna Bucket ) dies in his name. Matt Smith is, as ever, fantastic in the scenes where he flips from self-righteous rage to disbelief at the effects his extraordinary life has on ordinary people.

Smith also demonstrates his comic side as he finally figures out who River Song really is. He's at his most Troughton-esque as the mighty Time Lord turns into a giddy schoolboy and retreats into his Tardis, to again pursue Melody's kidnappers.

Of course the major revelation of the episode, and the season, is that ( MAJOR SPOILER! )

River Song is Amy's and Rory's child. But, all growed-up like. Melody Pond = River Song.

This does seem quite fitting really, and Alex Kingston's sincere performance goes a long way in selling the concept. To mangle my metaphors ( ouch! ) - now that the cat's out of the bag, it opens a whole new can of worms. How long has River known this? Why does she have to tell them now? And what was that "regeneration" all about?

Maybe we'll find out in the Autumn, when the Doctor returns in Let's Kill Hitler ( coming after all those emotional scenes, that title earned itself a big laugh in this household )

Four And A Half Bow Ties Out Of Five

Doctor Who: The Almost People ( review with spoilers )

"I've reversed the Jelly Baby of the neutron flow....."

Part Two of this story brings double trouble for the Gangers as the Doctor now has his own duplicate and, unlike most previous multiple-Doctor meetings, they get on famously. No snide comments about his effectiveness being halved this time: the two Docs have a ball, finishing off each other's sentences, complimenting themselves on their cool taste in bow ties etc. And we also get a lovely little nod to past Doctors:

"The Flesh is struggling to cope with our previous regenerations....."

As the Ganger Doc tries to stabilise his Flesh-y form he blurts out lines from past incarnations and presents us with the startling sound of Tom Baker's voice coming out of Matt Smith's mouth! And also a mention of Cybermats. Foreshadowing future stories here...?

Back at the plot, the Gangers are starting to have second thoughts about their "war" with the humans, and everyone is desperate to escape the island as the threat of acid, poison gas and a final, fatal explosion escalates. The Jimmy Ganger is manipulated by the Doctor into speaking to "his" son via holo-phone, further strengthening his empathy with humans. Jennifer, however, pushes on with her campaign, tricking a more-than-usually gullible Rory and manifesting more icky powers such as growing eyes on the monastery walls to act as CCTV.

Amongst the running around in corridors, a confused Amy confronts the Ganger Doctor and reveals to him that she's possibly seen his death in the future. Of course, the two Docs have switched places and now the "real" Doctor knows his Terrible Fate. Before this can be explored any further Jennifer turns into a stretchy, CGI monstrosity, the Ganger versions of Cleaves and the Doctor sacrifice themselves to defeat her, and the survivors are whisked away in the Tardis. "Jimmy" is reunited with his son, whilst Cleaves and Dicken ( the one acid factory employee who was "almost" totally inconsequential ) are dropped off at the HQ of their evil corporate masters in the ( probably vain ) hopes of alerting the world to the horrors of Ganger slavery. But the real climax of the story is ( like in the Tenth Doctor's Utopia ) a cliffhanger that points the way to the next story and turns out to be far more important than the episode preceding it:

"I said 'breathe', Pond. Remember? Well, breathe....."

In the Tardis Amy is (SPOILERS! ) having contractions and about to give birth. And she looks so thin! In the big revelation of this first half of the series we learn that the Amy who's been running around and having adventures for possibly the last six episodes was in fact a ( SPOILERS! ) Ganger and the Doctor's trip to the monastery wasn't random but was a fact-finding mission. Except "stuff" and "shenanigans" got in the way.....

"We're coming for you, I swear it. Whatever happens, however hard, however far we'll find you."

"I'm right here....."

"No you're not. You haven't been here for a long, long time."

The Doctor promptly melts the Amy Ganger, severing its connection to the real Amy who, we discover, is in the clutches of Eye-Patch Woman ( scariest midwife ever? ) and is "ready to pop".....

Phew! It's a traumatic, shocking cliffhanger which prompts re-evaluation of the entire series so far. Has Amy been missing since the end of A Christmas Carol ? ( As hinted at by exec. producer Beth Willis on this week's DW Confidential ) Or was she switched with her Ganger by the Silence? And what of the little girl, last seen "regenerating" in a New York back alley? Is she Amy's child or something else? The real problem with this turn of events is that, for all the Doctor's talk of doing things the humane way, he has just effectively killed a Ganger. And, as my learned colleague Mr. Steve W says here, this undermines all the Doctor has learned about the Gangers being "real" people. Anyway, a harder edge is sure to come in handy for the Doctor soon, even if it's morally suspect

( shades of the Sixth Doctor! ), as he races to find Amy, and a good man goes to war.....

Four Out Of Five Bow Ties

Doctor Who: The Rebel Flesh ( review with spoilers )

( The staff at The Glass Walking-Stick - me, basically - would like to apologise for this ridiculously late Doctor Who review. The spirit was willing but the, er, flesh was weak... )

After last week's Gothic, spaced-out adventure, the Tardis comes back down to Earth with a bump. Literally. A solar storm hits the time machine, upsetting Amy and Rory's game of darts (!) and forcing the Time Trio to crash- land on 22nd century Earth. They find themselves on a remote island where a monastery has been converted into a factory for mining some kind of acid and pumping it to the mainland. It's unclear what use this future society has for acid ( the old-fashioned, corrosive kind, not "Aciiieed!" for old school ravers ) but it's obviously important and dangerous work. So dangerous that Gangers are used.....

Gangers are doubles or doppelgangers created by The Flesh, an industrial vat of "fully programmable matter", and controlled by the consciousnesses of their human templates / operators. When a Ganger is injured in the hazardous depths of the factory, the humans simply let it die and return to their own bodies. That is, until the solar storm hits and the resulting power surge turns the Gangers "rogue".....

"You gave them your lives. Human lives are amazing. Are you surprised they ran off with them?"

The Rebel Flesh is a new version of the classic "base-under-siege" scenario, with obvious nods to The Thing and Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. The twist here being that these duplicates didn't intend to steal your life, but aren't too happy about giving it up either. Paranoia abounds: who can you trust when the person next to you may be your friend... but may also be a flesh-morphing duplicate?

While not a classic episode this is certainly a lot more substantial than I'd expected from Matthew Graham, the man who brought us the tedious Fear Her back in Season Two. The monastery setting is wonderfully creepy with its dank, dripping corridors and dungeons slowly filling up with deadly, leaking acid. Director Julian Simpson handles the necessary exposition well and ramps up the claustrophobia as the humans and Gangers play cat and mouse with fatal consequences. The Gangers themselves are faintly disgusting in a teatime-body-horror kind of way, all melted-wax, veiny faces and Plastic Man-type bodily contortions. ( I've got a feeling that part two of the story will propel us to the almost-inevitable morphing of all the surviving Gangers into one blobby, gestalt entity. Not unlike John Prescott. )

I'm especially heartened that, for once, the threat doesn't come from Out There, isn't alien - Doctor Who can come across as almost xenophobic at times, which is surely far from the heart of the show's humanistic ethos.

Another bonus is that Rory starts to show a bit of pluck in this episode, defending the Ganger version of Jennifer from her human colleagues who see her as a monster to be destroyed, and from Amy who isn't too sympathetic either. Of course, it helps that Jennifer's cute. When she's got her human face on.....

The episode leaves us with the well-telegraphed cliffhanger of a Ganger Doctor straightening his bow tie and saying "Trust me... " But can we? Tune in next week.....

Four Out Of Five Bow Ties

Doctor Who: The Doctor's Wife ( review with spoilers )

OK, let's make one thing absolutely clear. She's not his wife, there's no confetti, no wedding, no bridesmaids and definitely no sister-of-the-bride whose arse has its own Facebook page. Phew!

What we do get is a typically oddball story by world-renowned fantasy author and Goth godfather, Neil Gaiman. I must admit I've been looking forward to this episode even though I'm not one of those Neil Is God types. ( I liked a lot of his Sandman run and a few other comics, but I've never read any of his novels, which often look Clive Barker-lite to me. )

After a prologue introducing three suitably raggedy, Gaiman-esque characters ( and a random Ood! ), the story proper starts with the Doctor receiving the Time Lord equivalent of email from an old Gallifreyan buddy named The Corsair, and promptly plunging the Tardis down the plughole of the universe, to end up on a mysterious junkyard asteroid. The Matrix - the "soul" of the Tardis - has been drained out of the time machine by the sentient asteroid ( known as "House" but not looking much like Hugh Laurie ) and deposited in the body of Idris, a batty Bride Of Frankenstein lookalike played by the wonderful Suranne Jones.

"Biting is excellent! It's like kissing, only there's a winner..."

Idris is dismissed as mad and dangerous by Auntie and Uncle, her patchwork junkyard "family", but the Doctor soon realises there's something else going on. Her madness is reminiscent of a regeneration, as the Tardis' consciousness tries to make sense of being trapped inside a human body. As Idris becomes more stable, the Doctor realises he can finally communicate with his longest-serving companion, "his" time machine. Although, the way Idris tells the story, she abducted him all those years ago, not the other way around.....

Although there are other elements to this story, like Amy and Rory being trapped and terrorised inside the Tardis by House, the heart of this episode is the strange relationship between the Doctor and Idris. And while this story is at times self-consciously kooky and ( typically for Gaiman ) short on plot but long on characterisation, the performances and chemistry of the two stars keep it all from collapsing under its own weirdness. Well, for me anyway. I know this is a real Marmite episode which you will either love or hate, but it's certainly evidence of the show taking risks with its own folklore and fanbase, which is probably needed every now and then to keep things from going stale. For me, it's preferable to Doctor-Who-by-numbers like last week's rather damp pirate tale.....

There's a lot to love in this episode: the "valley of half-eaten Tardises", the Doctor's naked emotion ( steady, fangirls/boys! ) as he watches Idris "die", the creepy scenes in the seemingly-infinite Tardis corridors, the console built from junk, and - best of all - this exchange between the Doctor and the human Tardis.....

"I just wanna say, you know, you have never been very reliable."

"And you have?"

"You didn't always take me where I wanted to go...."

"No, but I always took you where you needed to go!"

Oh yes! I've waited a long time to hear those words. Finally, the raison d'etre of the Doctor's adventures is spelled out! I almost punched the air at that moment..... but, of course, stereotypical English reserve prevented me :-)

Anyway, now I've calmed down, I'll award this controversial story:

4 and 1/2 Bow Ties out of 5

Doctor Who: The Curse Of The Black Spot ( review with spoilers )

"Yo ho ho! .....or does nobody actually say that?"

After the twists, turns and mysteries of the last two weeks, the show kicks back with what reviewers of Doctor Who are contractually obliged to call a "romp". The Doctor and the Ponds answer a distress signal and find themselves on a becalmed pirate ship, being menaced by a "stroppy homicidal mermaid", dealing with an unfriendly crew and generally swashing their buckles. Or buckling their swashes... I'm not too good on these nautical terms.

Amy gets to show off her surprisingly impressive sword-fighting skills, much salty dialogue of the "scurvy dog" and "this is mutiny!" ilk is thrown about, and just about every pirate cliche is run up the yardarm. Sadly, it seems much more fun for the cast than the viewer.

The sense of claustrophobia and dread the story calls for is mostly absent and the "funny" lines aren't that funny. Lily Cole is striking as the Siren, but has very little to do and no dialogue, while the reality of her assumed menace turns out to be yet another "automated spaceship programme that doesn't know when to stop" ( see The Empty Child, The Girl In The Fireplace and The Lodger ) which is a Nu-Who trope that's definitely outstayed its welcome. Oh, and Rory nearly dies. Again.

But the story isn't all that bad. There are some lovely scenes between Matt Smith and Hugh Bonneville, as pirate captain Avery, Karen Gillan looks cute in her tricorn hat, and Arthur Darvill again shows off his comic abilities as well as providing some real pathos in the later scenes.

This story is obviously intended to provide a breather between the intense first story and Neil Gaiman's much-awaited episode next week. As such it could only pale in comparison, but Who's

( relative ) failures are more entertaining than many shows' successes, so I'll rate this episode:

3 out of 5 Bow Ties. Or pirate hats.

Doctor Who: Day Of The Moon ( review with spoilers )

Cliffhangers: they're strange things. Steven Moffat certainly thinks so. He's very good at writing tense, exciting cliffhangers, but he doesn't seem keen on resolving them. This worked well in Season Four's Silence In The Library / Forest Of The Dead where the story jumped from the cliffhanger of Donna Noble's "death" to the strange, virtual world she found herself in. The sheer oddity of the situation left the viewer wondering where Donna was and how she got there, which sidestepped the "with one mighty bound he was free"-type of cliffhanger resolution.

This week's episode begins three months after last week's cliffhanger. Amy, Rory and River are on the run from the authorities, while the Doctor is being held prisoner in Area 51. This is a great, pacey opening to the story, with more beautiful visuals in the Utah desert, and another chance to see River perform her party-piece of leaping out of a spaceship/skyscraper. Unfortunately, it's a bit of a cheat. We see a very short flashback to the time travellers escaping from the Silence in the warehouse in Florida, but this truncated resolution to the cliffhanger begs too many questions:

What happened to Rory? The last we saw, he was trapped in underground tunnels, surrounded by the Silence, with River screaming his name. How did he get out?

How did Amy get from Florida to Utah? And why? ( Apart from the obvious reason that the production team was making the most of their location filming. )

What was River doing in New York, apart from possibly having cocktails?

If no-one can remember the Silence the second they turn their backs on the aliens, how did Team Tardis compare notes on their enemies, let alone even realise they had enemies?

Even though the image of a bearded, manacled Doctor, imprisoned in Area 51, is an incredibly powerful one, it makes little sense. Why was he captured but not the others? And how?

There are, indeed, more questions than answers.....

That said, I really did enjoy the rest of the episode. The scenes of Amy wandering the deserted Southern Gothic children's home were very creepy, especially the image of the obscenely bald Silence hanging from the ceiling like bats. And the story moved from an X-Files sensibility to a Twin Peaks-type surrealism as the mystery of the little girl deepened and a ( wibbly wobbly timey wimey? ) eye-patch-wearing woman appeared and disappeared before Amy's eyes.

Matt Smith's Doctor was as wonderful as ever, sharing some tender scenes with Rory and Amy, escaping with ease from a "perfect prison", poking gentle fun at Richard Nixon, and thwarting the Silence's plans with a little help from Neil Armstrong's foot. And he looked cool with a beard.

River got some moments of quiet poignancy ( her "last kiss" with the Doctor ) and a chance to kick butt, as seen below.....

Although my questions about the cliffhanger will probably never be answered, the episode also posed more questions that will surely form the arc plot for this series. Why did the Silence have their own version of the faux-Tardis seen in The Lodger? Is their threat really over? They did take control of the Tardis at the end of the last series, after all, and they seem to have prior knowledge of the Doctor. Why did they need Amy to tell the Doc about her pregnancy? How does Canton come to be at Lake Silencio in 2011? And just who ( or Who? ) exactly is the little girl, last seen seemingly regenerating in a New York back alley? There are a lot of threads to pull together there but I'm still confident that Moffat can sort it all out by the end of the series. We've still got 11 episodes to go.....

Notwithstanding my earlier questions, for the creepiness, the fantastic visuals and the intriguing mysteries, I'll give this episode:

4 out of 5 Bow Ties

Doctor Who: The Impossible Astronaut ( review with spoilers )

"Hello darkness my old friend

I've come to talk with you again"

Team Tardis are back, reunited after months apart, and all bringing secrets with them. Four Tardis-blue envelopes have been delivered to the Doctor, Amy, Rory and River, inviting them all to a picnic in what Rory calls "Nowhere: middle of... ", otherwise known as the Utah Desert.

But, unfortunately, there's little time for hugs, wine and reminiscing about Jim The Fish and Easter Island, or planning a trip to "Space:1969", because the time travellers are soon confronted by the bizarre sight of a NASA astronaut emerging from a lake in the middle of the desert. And promptly

( SPOILERS! ) killing the Doctor. Before the remaining Time Trio have had a chance to, er, blink, the astronaut has returned to its watery home, a mysterious old man has helped them cremate the Doctor's body, and they're standing in a diner, arguing what to do next, when.....

the Doctor walks back in.

( There was something else, but I seem to have forgotten it..... )

"Because a vision softly creeping / Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains

Within the sound of ( )"

( Nope, forgotten it again..... )

In true Steven Moffat, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey style, it turns out that the dead Doc is a future version of the 11th Doctor, and his companions resolve to find out what he wanted them to do back in 1969, but without telling "their" Doctor of his fate. And he's none too happy about all these secrets. They soon find themselves back in 1969, at the White House no less, where they meet up with a younger version of the old guy from the lake, President Nixon himself and...

somebody else. ( Give me a minute. It'll come to me..... )

The Doctor: "Oh, a lot more happens in '69 than anyone remembers. Human beings: I thought I'd never get done saving you."

Bloody Hell! Look at that thing above! It's the Silence! How did I forget it? Must be my age.....

This really is a cracking episode. Whereas before the pattern was to start a new series with a "fun romp" ( only with monsters and killing ), this time Moffat has gone for creepy and complex. Which is fine by me! The secrets being kept by the Tardis crew add new subtleties to their relationships. Who did River murder? Does Rory know about ( SPOILERS! ) Amy's baby? Did the Doctor know he was going to his death? ( By the agonised look on Matt Smith's face it certainly seems so. ) This dark turn of events is brilliantly played by the regulars, all of them raising their game, particularly Arthur Darvill, showing us the beginnings of a depth to Rory that hasn't been apparent before.

The whole episode has an expansive, filmic quality, especially in the Utah scenes. Top marks to director Toby Haynes for creating such vivid, memorable images as the Apollo astronaut wading out of the lake, or River looking damn sexy with a six-shooter strapped to her hip, or the Doctor lounging in the Oval Office, surrounded by CIA agents with itchy trigger-fingers.

And, of course, the Silence must rank as one of the creepiest Doctor Who monsters ever. The concept that you forget the alien's existence as soon as you look away from it is inspired, and leads to some incredibly tense scenes as River and Rory explore underground tunnels filled with Silence. ( Yeah, I mean filled with aliens called the Silence, not filled with a lack of sound. How are we supposed to write about this stuff, Mr. Moffat? You're not making it easy for us. ) And that scene in the White House toilet? Brrrr!! I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.....

I'll have to knock off half a mark for the story being just that little bit too exposition-heavy, but otherwise a fantastic start to the new series, so.....

4 and a half Bow Ties

"Fools, said I, you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows"

Soundtrack: The Sound Of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

( of course! )